barnacle

Another success

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:40:41 GMT

I thought I had put my mother's Christmas present in the cupboard, but as it turns out I had left it on the floor and she came in and trod on it.

It seems to have survived intact though.

I know what you're up to

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 14:14:25 GMT

The BBC weather page appears to be broken and says 'none' in every field.

The weather outside is aimlessly stabbing at types of day without ever managing to be one for more than five minutes together.

Were I suspicious, I would suspish that the two were linked.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 00:13:27 GMT

I seem to have accidentally ordered two copies of Kitchen Stories from play.com - they've so far not turned up anyway, but when they do, would anyone be interested in buying one for, oh, £6 (I paid £7.99)? To save wasting postage on returning one. It's a lovely film, very daft and gently funny. Won't hurt the brain.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 14:16:52 GMT

Item: Realisation that moving a chest of drawers becomes vastly easier if you take the drawers out first.

Item: Discovery of favourite hat, lost for a week, hidden by cunning expedient of being in full view but upside-down.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 15:19:17 GMT

So, this morning I came downstairs at a ridiculous hour owing to slightly overdoing it on the wine at an arty wossname last night and made myself greasy morning-after breakfast. As I sat down to consume said slow suicide on a plate, I looked out of the window and noticed this:

In case you can't tell, the little man in the dress lying on his face is a laughing buddha. Not that anyone in my house is a buddhist, but he's cheery. Anyway, he lives in the flowerpot (in this case, 'flowerpot' means 'old lab sink full of ivy'. Although I think there are usually some daffodils in it in spring). Normally he is vertical.

That thing next to him, as you probably can tell, is, um... a cross. Made of sticks.

The only explanation I can see for this having occurred is that Betel, a replace-your-drugs-with-Jesus sort of a group who do gardening, came to our house on wednesday to chop down our apple trees. Either that or someone came up the garden to burgle the place and had a fit of uncontrollable piety all over the patio.

When I finished laughing hysterically, which took a while, I wondered if I ought to be offended. Mostly I'm just amused. GOOD CHRIST A GRAVEN IDOL, SAVE THIS HEATHEN FAMILY LORD. I might have to write them a snotty letter, though, before my atheist xp start to dwindle.

ARRRRRRR

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 13:09:46 GMT

Wenches! Be celebratin' talk like a pirate day in style!

We do the research so you don't have to!

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:02:32 GMT

In a survey conducted on the website of eminent retail superstoreshop Curry's, our dedicated team of statistical persons found one single mobile phone with mp3-player capacity. It costs £89.99 (in the interests of general harmony, I am of course assuming you obtained your overpriced phone by exchange of currency for goods, and not by mugging a dear white-haired old granny*).

The cheapest available pair of heaphones costs £4.99.

In fact, were you to go to Argos, you could get some for the thoroughly bargainous price of £1.99 (our survey began in Argos, but their phone-feature-search thing doesn't seem to work).

All this said, FUCKING BUY SOME, YOU HORRIBLE OVERGROWN CHILD.

P.S. You can't sing. No, honestly.

*A technophilic one, obviously.

Have yourself a MERRY LITTLE SQUIDMAS

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Sat, 07 Jan 2006 20:05:42 GMT

(now with cat's bottom free gratis for nothing)

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 23:16:02 GMT

"Hello, this is my vampire. His name is MISTER BLOOD."

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Sun, 28 Nov 2004 12:59:26 GMT

Watching the surface of half a cup of coke under strobe lights? Hours of wholesome fun.

Drawing for neevel

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 18:42:20 GMT

The place where I spend most time during the day. Oh dear.

Stealy stealy. I like this one.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Thu, 04 Nov 2004 15:47:34 GMT

(From neevel)

Ask for a photo (actually, more fun: a photo or a drawing) of something in my house, or anywhere else I'm likely to be. You know you want to.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Mon, 18 Oct 2004 21:27:55 GMT

As i went out one rather dark and chilly october evening, tra-la, I spied a fair maid and this she did cry: ANAL SEX! WOOOOOOOOOO!

Singing too-ra-lilly etc.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 15 Oct 2004 19:27:37 GMT

My picture hostess is changing domains, so they won't be visible for a little while, until I get round to moving them all and changing links and such. If you're really desperate to see anything (no, I can't think why either), just ask.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 15 Oct 2004 15:10:43 GMT

Very soothing.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Sun, 10 Oct 2004 17:27:09 GMT

Repeat after me, brother mine: the KETTLE must BOIL, or the TEA will be SCUMMY and DISGUSTING.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Sep 2004 13:36:41 GMT

Were I a cynical sort of person, I might suggest that the only thing which changes as you move through the education system is that the coffee gets more expensive. SIXTY DAMNED PENCE.

I BID YOU OCCUPY ME

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Mon, 13 Sep 2004 19:52:15 GMT

I feel like making a mix CD. Anyone want one?

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Wed, 08 Sep 2004 16:53:24 GMT

Not sure how I feel about this. Oh well. A bit new, at least.

(Dude)

Hooray!

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2004 11:39:38 GMT

The marvellously fantabulous and most wonderful Tiger Lillies will be returning to Warwick Arts Centre on the 21st of November. Sarra and I will be adventuring over there, and anyone who wishes to join us is most welcome. Particularly if you have a car. That is all.

And before I go.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Jul 2004 15:02:46 GMT

The garden, which is not to be tamed.

As I am commanded

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Jul 2004 14:11:08 GMT

There was a bird, which the cat caught, brought in. There was a bird flying into the window. There was a dazed bird in a bowl. There was a bird in a bowl in a box. There was a bird flying away. The end.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 16 Jul 2004 14:46:52 GMT

Absence of last week owing to internet being dead as a dead thing, but it lives again. Speaking of which, kinda, I dreamed Jesus in my kitchen on the wrong sort of cross. Very significant, I'm sure. The rain it raineth every day and in another week I'll be living in a tent in Wales, huzza. Time occupied with epic nethackery and pictures, in the main.

(Middle's a bit fuzzed owing to stick-togethery of two half-scans)

Also, hahahahaha.

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2004 17:23:43 GMT

Feeble. Say it with me. Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeble

Good word, that.

Calling the collective brain

herringsandwich@gmail.com — Fri, 18 Jun 2004 20:36:26 GMT

Somewhere there's a book (I think a book) containing a reference to 'rodents of unusual size'. What is it?

Edit: Hurrah! Solved!